God's will vs. Personal will

This is what i've been struggling for since last Thursday. Personally, I want something so much that I've been thinking about it again and again. I just can't stop thinking it. One word to describe -- 'desperate' 

My bedmate@Tengku Mahkota is the only person that understand how desperate am I right now that I wish I could have the power to pursue. I've been praying hard and seeking God. I questioned God 'Is it Your plan?' 'Do i stand a chance?' 'Am I capable?' 'His time?' 

During one of my QTs, I came to realised that 'Why I'm having such a strong personal will this time?' 'Where's my mustardseed faith?' I reminded myself many times not to think about it. Before I go to bed, I'll think about it again and I'll request Tengku Mahkota to pray for me. 

On Sunday during the worship session, God spoke with me thru the songs. The lyrics hit me. My tears started to roll down. He has reminded me that I need Thee. Yes, I really need God to be able to wait patiently for the answer. Even though I was told that I'll get my answer in two weeks, it can drag on for more than 2 weeks. I want my faith in him. I want to listen to Him. 

Currently, I can imagine myself staring at a leaf, but I'm not sure where am I in a big forest. I need to find my way out. Stop staring and find the right direction to my normal life routine. Move on in my life. Enjoy the day, count my blessing one by one. 

Lent season is around the corner, it's time to fast and pray. Sounds good?