The white field
The field opposite my hall has turned white. it's frost!!!

Fog

Flights have been delayed and cancelled due to the heavy fog in Heathrow and Gatwick.

Dear Lord, i pray that You will clear the fog and give us clear sky. Pray that Father will send everyone back to their loved ones safely in this special time of the year. I pray for journey mercy for those who are flying in and out UK. In Jesus's name i ask, Amen!

Esther - my guest!

Esther came to Portsmouth today and we met up. She was the god sent guest to me today. I have a really stressful day due to my work. i couldn't think well due to my flu and i just felt so dizzy when i've got so much to think of what to do next.

Thank god Esther's call came at 4.49pm. Boris said 'i need to catch a train. go and see your friend now' Thanks to her friend that sent her all the way to Portsmouth to allow us to meet up! We did a bit of catch up in the Nero cafe then we proceed to my hall. Nero cafe's Boris's favourite cafe. We like to go there for coffee in the afternoon.

Esther and i in Nero cafe. See....fern fern berlayer-layer..because i've not been well for these few days.

From this picture, i don't think i look sick. i look FAT!!! And i cooked pasta for Esther...

The weather is sooooo cold since this morning. Tomorrow is gonna be max 3 and min 1degree.

My voice...

The hall has been so quiet and so dead according to Bel. She came to visit me after many weeks because she was soo busy with work and also her courseworks. At last, we spent a day together after church.

I lost my voice today and i caught a bad cold. Went to see the nurse and she gave me the prescriptions. The weather has been cold due to the fog...One thing that i found out, i don't find my fever as bad as when i got it in M'sia. It might due to the cold weather here. When my body is so warm, i feel so much better after a walk down to the other building. Get some fresh air ... Even though it's really cold, i enjoy it. Comparatively, when i had the bad cold in June, i couldn't even get out from my bed. Thanks to the ambulance which arrived in such a short period of notice! Without the ambulance in UK, i need to get myself to the clinic this morning. Thank god the clinic is very near to my hall.

Despite the fact that i'm a bit blurred and i have to read every single sentence like twice, i managed to get one task done today. Thank god! i know You're watching me!

i have a dateline this thursday before i go off on friday to london. Boris said if i can get it done with the documentation, it will add a spark to his christmas! We had a chat this afternoon in the staff lounge and everyone was like 'Fern, stay away from me!' Alright, my sexy voice has got so bad today that everyone was so scared of me. Boris didn't want me to spoil his holidays, we sat like 4 chairs away from each other.

Again, the last sentence of the meeting 'Fern, do you agree with i want?' Fern said, 'I'll do my best to deliver.' That ends the weekly meeting for the year 2006.

Fern ...A nomad

i've been a nomad for 7 years since i left home. I think i 'm gonna be nomad for another 3-4 years until i have enough money to get a home.

Talking about new homes, i saw susu lembu's new home last weekend. It was so nice!!! three weeks back, Carmen sent me photos of their home...wow..how nice! i told her that i'd like to laze around her new place when i come back next time...Hmm...don't ask me when i'm gonna come back!

Oh yea, Alfred and Judy's new home...i'm still waiting for Alfred to take some photos for me to see..This christmas is gonna be so complete for Ongs, with their kids and aunts from Teluk Intan moving down to KL.

Another one, WoonFoong and Doreen's new home...i want photos..i wanna see the new home...So many new homes...i also want one!!!

Today, i saw parents came to the hall to bring the students back. me? i have to work till Thursday. As i walked to the library and looking at busy roads with all those cars, i said to myself 'Andrew, come and bring me home!!!' First time in mylife, i felt homesick! i've never felt homesick all these while because my mom had a serious talk with me before i left home for college. She said 'Fern, your mission: Study hard! Do not miss home!' Since then, i've never missed home. But today, i felt like 'someone come and bring me out of portsmouth!' Looking out to the window, all the kitchens are dark and the rooms are dark too! 80% of students have left for christmas.

i have to work till Thursday. HOw am i gonna cope with that? Thank god that Chris from the Admin office's gonna work till Friday, if not, i'm gonna be so lonely in my room. Even though she works opposite my room, at least someone is on the same floor as me. I had a minced pie in the department christmas party this afternoon. I thought of not going before that, after that i checked with Matt whether he would like to go. Then he said 'oh yea, let's go and show our faces!' Thomas has left for Denmark this morning. Everyone has left for home... How am i gonna deliver the work for the whole of next week? i've just got no mood to do anymore...The weekly meeting went well today and i'd really thank god for that.

Busy...

i've been so busy the entire week...work...work...work...

i've been working on antenna pattern using Matlab...modeling and validating my results...

i enjoyed myself very much last night, micheal and i went to Praise Night organised by International Fellowship of Christian Students (IFCS) at Jubilee Church. we sang praises and we worshipped god. We were asked to count our blessings since it has come to the end of the semester.

Why am i here? Because God's blessings. What did i do for the past one year? Come to think of it, i did quite alot of stuff. Ups and downs, challenges...happy times... sad times...

In jan, i went to Calcutta and feb/mar went to Europe with Mom, april went to China/HK with Hweei min. Wow...it seems that sooooo long ago. I went to genting highlands in May. But i didn't have a good birthday this year. it was a public holidays and i stayed home. I remember someone suggested me to go Pusat Sains. What a suggestion! how would i want to celebrate birthday in science centre. Don't blame the person also, cos he didn't know it was my birthday. Oh yea, CJ brought me to Japanese Restaurant in Sri Hartamas for dinner. We had a good dinner with Oysters. i packed my mom to singapore in July and i said goodbye to my red Satria in August.

From September till date, i've been here for almost three months!!!

guess what? i don't think i'm going to bed tonight..gonna write my chapter 2.

i shall start working...

23rd is next week!!! i'll be on top of the world!!!

It's tough to kick off

Today, i spent the entire day simulating antenna pattern. In fact, i went to work this morning with a plan to work on another piece of work that need to be done on Friday. Anyway, Boris helped me out today a few times and he popped by my room to check on the progress.

Sigh..not much progress. The paper that we referred to does not provide much help and explanations are not sufficient. This is the first thing that i'm trying to simulate as part of the entire system, yet it's so hard to get started.

God, i need Your wisdom and i pray that i can get it done by tonight and move onto another piece of work tomorrow. In Jesus's name i ask, Amen!

End of Autumn semester

Next week is the final week of AuTuMn sem. Every student is busy with assignments because the datelines are next week. 3000 words essay ... presentation ...

As for me, there's no such thing like assignment to be handed in next week. i need to carry out my work every day. Once i finish a task, i move onto another task, keep on reminding myself that i need to finish this entire course within 3 years. i can only afford to put in 3 years. Another colleague came in two days back and gave us some encouragement 'guys, life is on hold for this 3 years!! work harder!' i turned to him and said 'No...things run in parallel! Nothing is on hold.'

Yea, i believe in things running in parallel. It does not mean that you have to put on hold your life to work on something. Yes, we commit ourselves in jobs, family and others. Nevertheless, it does not mean that you don't work on others. We work on priorities in our lives. Which one comes first? God? work? family ? dad? mom? husband? boyfriend? sista?

In the midst of doing my work at times, i'd just like to pick up the phone and listen to the voices of my loved ones. I'm not sure how much impact it has on everyone? but, it has a great impact on me. i like to send MMS to my mom so that she knows i've got fatter or thinner? more pimples on my face due to the stress? sometimes, i'd just like to call up and say 'Hey, apa buat?' There was once, she said 'wrong number!' then i said 'Heylor, can't u recognise your daughter's voice?' She started laughing. 'hahahahha, mana saya tahu, i don't have malay friends that will call my house number' i also like to cerita with Auntie Yap on the phone. She tells me stories and get me updated what happen at home.

Anyway, by next saturday, the entire hall will be so quiet and i shall live in peace. The lonely sole in flat unit 7-17. All local students will be leaving for home on friday and saturday. Everyone is so excited and there are chirstmas decorations in the kitchens. As for me, my last day of work will be 21st and i'll start packing on 21st evening. i'm not sure i'll be able to get to sleep. Then i shall travel to london on 22nd...i can't wait for the day to come...

there's this christmas song goes like 'Now, this is the time of the year...' We've been singing it so many times in the kitchen when we cook in the evening.

Military exercise

At 5.40am, the fire alarm buzzed off!

"Get out from the building NOW!!! NOW!!! it's a real fire!" the guard said.

Another military practise, that's why i don't like hall.

'Who is baking cookies or cooking breakfast in the early morning?' i wondered as i ran down the staircase with so much of dissatisfactions.

i had my pyjamas and my fleece only. it was so cold and windy. i started to shiver as i was talking to andrew over the phone. He was suprised that i called up because i was supposed to be on the bed.

Thank god!!! We went into St Micheal's building, some biotech department building after standing in the cold for 30 mins.

we saw so many fire engines and firemen. what's going on?

It was due to the Dell laptop after my flatmate told me this evening. Is Toshiba laptop safe?

Guess what? we were only allowed to go bk to our building at 7am. How to sleep?

i tried my best to sleep and reset my usual alarm from 7.15am to 8.30am. I don't care, i wanna sleep. If i do not have enough sleep, my body cannot function well and my brain cannot function well.

Unfortunately, i couldn't sleep at all. i lied on the bed for 2 hours till 9am. i was thinking about my codes and also my unfinished work that i'm supposed to discuss in the upcoming weekly meeting on friday.

Hmmm..shall i treat myself today without packing my lunch? The 'kedekutan' gripped me. On the other hand, i was lazy. But, i packed my lunch. Since i came back to study, i've been such a good girl, i pack lunch to work everyday to save money. ahahahha..self-complement.

My body was so warm and hot in the morning due to insufficient sleep and the headache came in the afternoon. i started to drink lots of water. Sigh...i went home around 4.15pm because i was so afraid there would not be any hot water. i got back and showered. i cooked porridge!!! i had porridge with chicky floss with soya sauce. that's what mom used to cook for me when i'm sick. But, mom puts scallops. i don't have scallops here. i spent an hour to cook porridge, cooking porridge requries alot of patience. My ex-housemate, Mei Chi cooks the best porridge in KL. The best porridge can also get from Taman Bandar Puchong, that's where i used to stay. i like that man's porridge, very smooth and tasty!

Oh yea, i went to attend International Fellowships of Christian Students followed by my friend's invitation. it was good and tonight's topic was 'Marriage' and i love their worship session.

Dear Lord, i pray that You will grant me a good sleep tonight, a good rest to prepare me for tomorrow. no more fire alarms please. i also thank god that i managed to do some work even though i was really tired. In jesus's name i ask, Amen!!!

Monday

First thing in the morning after i got up, 'Any hot water?'
oh thank god! the hot water is back!!!
i quickly washed my hair and enjoyed a hot shower.
i started early today by getting up around 7.20am.
Got my breaky and then prepared lunch. went to work!

In fact, with good planning over the weekend, i had a good monday today! i'd really thank god for His wisdom and His power of understanding. i started off doing some printings and working parallel on my derivations. Spending sheets of papers to derive one equation.

i didn't realise it was lunch time till andrew reminded me. I took an hour break to rest my brain. Looking out to the window, the trees outside my window turned 'botak' over the weekend. now i can see the buildings across the street and also the South West train passing by.
It has been very windy these days and i'd really pity my umbrella that i got from York conference. Everyone kept on telling me 'Fern, don't torture your umbrella!'
'but it's raining!!!! i've just washed my hair, i don't wanna get it wet again'
Thank god lar, my umbrella still in good shape, it's an 8 pound umbrella, i pray that it can last for another few months.
Boris once told me that if i wanna get rich in this country, start inventing a strong and reliable umbrella. hahahah...
Another ex-colleague from Glasgow wrote to me today 'don't let the wind blow you away!'

as i walked home today, the wind was so strong and i stood still on the road for 20 sec. the wind was too strong and i just couldn't walk anymore. sigh..welcome to Portsmouth!!!

For dinner, i cooked pasta with lots of vege (brussel sprout and broccoli). most of the people like to have some meat in the pasta, but i love to have lots of vegetables...*KENYANG*

Since i got back to hall, i've been listening to Chipmunks's christmas songs...even though i only have 3 songs, i've been playing these 3 songs all over again and again....

After another weekly meeting...the day has come...

i know it! i know it! This day will come! certainly! 'Welcome to research world', Boris said to me. Boris is my supervisor.

What happened this afternoon from 2-3.30pm was a long weekly meeting with Boris. We sit down once a week to discuss my progress. Today, he has stretched my capability and my ability and asking me to look further...Don't ask me whether is technical or not? i have come to a point that i don't know what is the meaning and the level of how technical a subject is. i've been in this male dominated industry for 2 years and i studied for 4 years to get the mind of being technical person. Anyway, i'd really need to work really really hard from today till the next meeting. i've got too many things to consider and read and to check out. I'm STRESSED UP!!!!

As i walked in the rain (Didn't bother to use umbrella anymore) to get home, i couldn't think of anything, i just wanna sit down and start working. The plans to work on PGC assignment has to be called off. It seems that what i need to focus is far more important! Whenever i'm stressed, i can't smile, i can't laugh, what i'll say is 'I don't know'. This is due to the fact that i do not want think of anything else. i just wanna sit down and leave me alone, i want to dwell in my research and my issues of research problem. i want to dwell into the space of WiMAX and HAPs, how to integrate both.

Thank god i have a weekend, two days off from work just to spend more time to look into my work. Guess what? i'm feeling a lot more better than just now, because i have done 10% of it in 1.5 hour time. Even though there's not much, at least i've started! i love this verse in the bible 'i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!' i reminded myself so many times and kept myself going when i was in 1st year uni.

Dear Lord, i know you're watching me. Guide me and give me the power of wisdom and the power of understanding. whatever i do, i do it for you and you alone, i want to glorify Your name, Amen!

*Cold shower again tonight!!!! i need hot water...someone pls fix the hot water for us! the weather is sooo cold, hot water is required under these circumstances.

I miss playing VIOLIN i used to play violin every night. Now, i do not have a violin. I miss violin sooooo dearly for the past 1 month...sigh....Thanks to Andy who borrowed me the violin for 14 months.

i've checked out with one of the violin teachers in Portsmouth, she is charging 25 pounds half an hour...1 month => 100 pounds. There's too much of money, i'm no longer can afford to pay that. i used to pay RM135 per month for grade2 in KL, but i earned a reasonable pay in the old days. I'm planning to save up a bit to get a 2nd hand violin, any car boot sales for violin?

Under-estimated and over-estimated myself in A day

This morning i OVER-ESTIMATED myself. I went out with a short-sleeve shirt and a knitwear and also a pink scarf that Siew Eng bought for me. I told myself that i need to wear properly due to the 6 hour lab that i'm gonna conduct with another lecturer. Once i walked out from the hall main entrance, 'oh dear, it's so cold!!!!! sejuuuuuuuuuuuuuk gila!!! i should have taken my wind-breaker. Ops, no turning back!!!' i'm gonna be late if i go up and grab my jacket, it was 20 mins to 9am. i need to walk...okay...walk faster!!!!

LESSON LEARNED: I'll take my wind-breaker tomorrow onwards whenever i go out.

I came back to hall at 5.30pm, feeling really hungry. Before i sat down, my friend in London said ' i'm in the office, another 30 mins to go before i can go home, pls keep me accompany over msn'. 'Friend, i'm super hungry, let me grab some food'. I put a piece of cod-fish into the oven, then i grabbed celery (my favourite) and my Onken Yoguart (another of my favourite) with half a cup of tomato juice (why am i drinking tomato juice? Andrew told me that. But i can't remember why tomato juice. i shall google it later). After finishing all these food, i was still feeling hungry. Alright, i'll fry the left over cabbage in the fridge. I shall go market again on friday evening. After cooking my cabbage, i started to get regret! 'How am i gonna finish those cabbage (it's really a lot of cabbage)and my piece of cod-fish is still in the oven?' In that sense, i UNDER-ESTIMATED myself. In fact, i finished all my cabbage and also my lovely cod-fish while chatting with my flatmates in the kitchen! I'm so satisfied!!! *KENYANG* * PAO PAO already*

LESSON LEARNED: Wow, my stomach can fit in more vege these days!!! Guess what? i miss my 'yao mak' that i used to order in KL when i had dinner with my churchmates. Why i only know how to order that? i learned from Hweei min!!!